Sunday, June 1, 2008
your thoughts on marriage
As I wrote Cancer is a Bitch I found myself thinking a lot about marriage. One thing I realized, or I should say continue to realize is that even though my husband and I have been married a looong time, and we love each other and have been faithful, as far as I know, and are committed to making it work, I still don't have clue How To Be Married. Every day is a surprise. Every time I think things are working, something malfunctions. And I wonder, is that just MY marriage? Or is there something about the institution of marriage itself that makes it so challenging? Any thoughts?
# posted by Gail @ 9:19 AM 
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I have been married. I had a "starter marriage". I think relationships are complicated, especially when you're going through a health crisis. It brings out the best and sometimes the worst in a partner.
My mother always says, "Katie, if you are both still in love and want to be together and you're having sex, the relationship is worth fighting for. If you're not, move the story along."
I also think relationships go through peaks and valleys just like life. Okay, that is, hands down the most cliche thing I've ever written or said.
Love the topic, Gail.
My mother always says, "Katie, if you are both still in love and want to be together and you're having sex, the relationship is worth fighting for. If you're not, move the story along."
I also think relationships go through peaks and valleys just like life. Okay, that is, hands down the most cliche thing I've ever written or said.
Love the topic, Gail.
Well, we've been together for 18 years now, and so we're down to, like, twice a day? I know, I know. it's just that I'm tired sometimes, you know?
Really, how do two humans live together, day in and day out, for more than three years without those doubts? Wouldn't it be stranger to not have those ups and downs. The fluctuations are the very thing that make a long-term relationship rewarding...like going through war together bonds people.
Of course that doesn't mean that just because people are together for a long time they should stay together. It's all so individual and personal, isn't it?
Really, how do two humans live together, day in and day out, for more than three years without those doubts? Wouldn't it be stranger to not have those ups and downs. The fluctuations are the very thing that make a long-term relationship rewarding...like going through war together bonds people.
Of course that doesn't mean that just because people are together for a long time they should stay together. It's all so individual and personal, isn't it?
Well, I'm no expert--having been married once to the wrong guy and now to the right guy. Not to sound unromantic or anything, but I think it's a crap shoot. Especially when you get married when you're young. My "keeper" husband and I know that we have it really good--but that's partly the perspective of having been in bad marriages. We so appreciate what we have.
And, the sex, well, we are trying to make up for all those years we weren't together.
And, the sex, well, we are trying to make up for all those years we weren't together.
Kristy and Judy, thanks for sharing!
What you say is true, Kristy, as long as the war wounds aren't too damaging.
And Judy, I think that's so true about getting married young. Although my therapist says it's like we've grown up together...
What you say is true, Kristy, as long as the war wounds aren't too damaging.
And Judy, I think that's so true about getting married young. Although my therapist says it's like we've grown up together...
Gail, you made me laugh with, "How much sex?"
It's definitely a challenge, even with a mate who's closest to your ideal partner. I'm only five years into my marriage, and while there are many ingredients in a healthy relationship, I'm learning about a new one: changing and growing together (as oppposed to growing apart).
That's what I've got at 5:36 on a Monday evening. :)
It's definitely a challenge, even with a mate who's closest to your ideal partner. I'm only five years into my marriage, and while there are many ingredients in a healthy relationship, I'm learning about a new one: changing and growing together (as oppposed to growing apart).
That's what I've got at 5:36 on a Monday evening. :)
We were very young when we got married. At my wedding reception, my mother said, "Amy, this is the hardest work you'll ever do." She wasn't kidding. 17 years later, it's become enjoyable work. Usually.
We're in a bliss period. 21 years ago this week, we met, and then endured 4 years separated by an ocean. It makes me emotional even thinking about it. Whereas, 10 years ago, it would make me wonder why the hell I bothered crossing the ocean to find him again!
Great blog, Gail!
We're in a bliss period. 21 years ago this week, we met, and then endured 4 years separated by an ocean. It makes me emotional even thinking about it. Whereas, 10 years ago, it would make me wonder why the hell I bothered crossing the ocean to find him again!
Great blog, Gail!
Gail, I think that what keeps a marriage interesting to both parties is that each grows together and apart. That's what contributes to the peaks and valleys. No one likes flat terrain, right?
Stella! So great to see you here! Thanks for sharing your insights. Last night we had a "date" night actually had fun. This morning we were crabbing about who deserved the last scoop of coffee more...
Jess, I'm glad your comment made you laugh but what about your answer to that??
Jess, I'm glad your comment made you laugh but what about your answer to that??
Last night we had a "date" night actually had fun.
I saw a friend from childhood last weekend who recently divorced. His kids are now in their 20s, whereas, our are - uh - babies, still. He made me promise that as soon as the kids are old enough, we arrange these "date nights." He said nights like that would have saved his marriage.
I promised. He seemed very serious.
I saw a friend from childhood last weekend who recently divorced. His kids are now in their 20s, whereas, our are - uh - babies, still. He made me promise that as soon as the kids are old enough, we arrange these "date nights." He said nights like that would have saved his marriage.
I promised. He seemed very serious.
No, I don't.
Even though my first one didn't work out. I look at my parents (married 57 years) and friends who are in long good marriages. And now that I'm in one I know how powerful a good marriage (that's the key!) can be. I like having a partner. I like having someone to share it all with. I like knowing we're in it for the long haul. It's not always easy (we have 5 kids between us. Thank God for wine), but I believe in for better and for worse.
I've been in a bad marriage, I've been single, and I'm now in a good marriage. I'm all for coupledom.
Even though my first one didn't work out. I look at my parents (married 57 years) and friends who are in long good marriages. And now that I'm in one I know how powerful a good marriage (that's the key!) can be. I like having a partner. I like having someone to share it all with. I like knowing we're in it for the long haul. It's not always easy (we have 5 kids between us. Thank God for wine), but I believe in for better and for worse.
I've been in a bad marriage, I've been single, and I'm now in a good marriage. I'm all for coupledom.
Gail, you are so cute. hahaha. "how much sex"?! Ma didn't say, but I'll akkks her.
PS: What panel in August? If I'm in NY at the time, I would love to see your shana punim (beautiful face).
PS: What panel in August? If I'm in NY at the time, I would love to see your shana punim (beautiful face).
Katie, thanks for saying that! I'll be at the Backspace Writers Conference on August 7th (memoir panel)and plan to stay through Saturday. I'd love to see you, let's get together...
when you find out the answer from your mother... please let us all know!
when you find out the answer from your mother... please let us all know!
Oh yeah, lots of clichés come up when talking about marriage. I think it’s wonderful if you manage to stick together through all the ups and downs, provided there’s no abuse, obviously. I’ve been married for 24 years (got married young), and thought I’d seen it all, peaks and valley, ho-hum. And then last year our baby came along and everything changed, but in the nicest possible way.
It may sound strange, but I think a good marriage gives you more freedom to explore yourself than you’d have being unattached. There's always a built-in support system, even if you make a fool of yourself. But then, everyone's marriage is different.
Er, sex -- what's that again? (talk to me when I'm no longer sleep deprived...)
It may sound strange, but I think a good marriage gives you more freedom to explore yourself than you’d have being unattached. There's always a built-in support system, even if you make a fool of yourself. But then, everyone's marriage is different.
Er, sex -- what's that again? (talk to me when I'm no longer sleep deprived...)
If yourLOVE family and relatives deny you a lifetime opportunity to be happy with the one who hold your heart, it is a dilemma to choose between them and your love.
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